| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Christmas fucking sucked. Worst Christmas I've ever had, hands down. Pretty much went down like this. I woke up, found out my brother had left for the day and didn't get anyone anything (big surprise), opened what gifts I got (not that it matters to me. I only got a few things like a new car scrapper, car matts, and two DVD's: The taking of Pelham 123, and Valkyrie. I'm watching Pelham 123 and so far I like it equally as much as the original despite it's many differences in tone), then my mom and grandma just had a who could top who at being a total psycho bitch contest that I just went right back up stairs and went back to sleep until around 8 at night when it was all over, and my grandmother was back home. Seriously it was the most depressing fucking Christmas that could have been had. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|03:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
1.) 
Merry Christmas!
2.) What a horrible day I had today. Ate at Christopher's Sub Shop by my work the other night. Ate just a little bit of it and knew something wasn't right with it. Woke up at 2 in the afternoon after having a Hell of a time trying to sleep, feeling feverish, and have just been sick ALL day. Course my relatives being the pains in the ass they are decided to jump everything up by a day. Usually we all do our own shit then meet up at my Grandparents house. Well my aunt with the little kids decided that's not good enough and it's too much of an inconvience (which is total bullshit) so her thinking she's the monarch of the family forces everybody to show up at my grandparents house x-mas eve instead of x-mas night. I didn't go because I was trying not to die. Which is just as well, even my dad told me after all he and my brother did was sit in a corner and tune out as my aunt ran the show and babbled on and on about my little cousins as they ran around shrieking around the house the entire time. I mean when I was a kid yeah, my brother, and my cousin who's a little older than me did the same, but my grandparents had a dog back then so we just played with the dog and were out of everyones hair for the most part. There isn't one anymore so pretty much everyone was at my aunts and cousins, mercy and no conversations could really be had (as it is every F'ing year since she started having kids). Had I gone it just would have been HELL for me (given my sick headache state to start with). I think I might swing by my grandparents house tomorrow just because, and because it'll be quieter.
That is all for now. I should probably try and get some sleep before I'm harassed like I'm going to be that I'm holding up x-mas and so on. |
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| random, as usual |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|04:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
Man so today I feel like I've been run over. Ever since it started to get REALLY cold I've had like a never ending cold. Just been feeling like utter crap. Blah... to that.
Couldn't get into gear today as a result which sucks. I have to pick up some stuff at the e-bay store I dropped off. Apparently NOTHING sold. I chalk it up to the economy, but I have a feeling considering it was the complete works of Katsuhiro Otomo (everything with his name on it manga/comics and anime's)I think it's just a shift in culture. I think things like that, comic books in general, have died with my generation -- or have become on par with spongebob square pants and wimpy Disney stuff that it's just not to be taken seriously, even for fun, anymore. I think if I had violent video games or something they would have sold. But anything involving hand made art work and imagination in general is just... over.
Started reading "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse; a fictional account of the Buddha. I'm really enjoying it, but much like most of my reading I feel like a total outcast of society and a fool for wasting my time enjoying such reading. You know, between music, movies, and reading material I don't know what's "cool" or "acceptable" anymore? Like I just feel like I'm not with the times or should be reading other stuff that's relevant to culture and people today; not stuff and idea's from outdated times that I'm never going to have a conversation about with anyone ever.
Fucking blah man... on top of it all I'm feeling super lonely right now, for some weird reason. I'm so out of touch with people that the idea of anyone standing my presence, at my age, is just laughable. I know this, yet still feel like I'm still an older teen/early 20 something wanting comfort from someone. I'm past that shit, but still this feeling creeps up and persists. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|04:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
I'm just sitting here thinking, like usual. I had a good weekend, but at the end of it I just feel lost and alone. Been reflecting over the year I've had which isn't helping matters. Just another year of failures and getting nowhere still.
Friday: I went to a small christmas party at this guy Ryan I know's place in Pelham. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years but I bumped into him at the Holiday Stroll on Main Street not to long ago and we facebooked, and he sent me an invite. It was interesting. Mostly we just sat around and watched Christmas themed movies. When I got there they were watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation; followed by Jack Frost 2 the horror movie: that's just so bad parts of it had everybody laughing -- like a guy getting his arm ripped clean off after being hit by a snowball thrown at him by hand. But it was the company mostly. I knew only two people there: Ryan, and Rob Bishop. Bishops more like his old self and it was like hanging out with my old friend from back in the day again. So thumbs up for that. There were two girls there however that just made me do some thinking and quite frankly made me uncomfortable; although they were polar opposites in most respects. One is a company, prim and proper, very catholic girl from Boston. The other is the wild no rules type. She was telling a story about how she was driving down the road, saw some "cute boys" (aka ya dudes) and flagged them down and gave them her actual cell phone number so they could meet up somewhere later. However, they both started talking about guys. The catholic girl was saying how some guy she works with asked her out over e-mail and sent her flowers. The other mentioned how some guy took her out on the town, paid for everything, and was pretty much a sucker for it if he thought that got him anywhere in her favor. High maintence in opposite extremes, but it made me realize something I've been trying to deny for some time. I'm never going to find a woman online or living the way I do. Women want a man who's BOLD. That's THE word to sum it up. A BOLD man. For years due to the women I've been around and the way they are I always just assumed women want a man who's a sure thing with security (money/a place of his own with no family or roommate), or exactly simular interest in every aspect of their lives (basically themselves, but with a penis), or someone smart, polite/classy, travels a lot, or has a talent (A guitar player for example), but all these things are way off. It's BOLDNESS that gets the job done. A qualilty I used to have, but lost along the way trying to substitute everything else in place of it. However, it's a catch 22. Boldness only GETS you the girl. Everything else KEEPS the girl from walking away/blowing you off.
Saturday: I went with a friend of mine Jocylen and her boyfriend James to this bar in Peterborough to see this weird, but super talented band (who's name I forget lol). They were like this prog rock, meets 60's trippy psycodelic, meets hippie jam band, with some jazz fusion thrown in band. The best way I can describe it is think Greatful Dead meets Deep Purple when they go into their crazy solo stuff with some funky groovy stuff at times -- it was really fucked up, and I was seriously impressed. Definetly a hippie bar. Everyone was smoking cigarettes, but the whole place smelled like weed big time. Looked like the college bar of the area as 90 percent of the place was the college age group, and might I add the girls were all retardely hot. I mean stupid hot. Personalitly wise most had the personality and intellegence of a grapefruit, as I attempted conversation (trying to be as bold as I get -- which isn't very bold at all) that went nowhere, but eye candy nonetheless. It was fun. I even let my figurative hair down and got my groove on dancing with everybody in front of the stage (which was like almost the entire crowd) -- after Jocylen took me by the arm and dragged me into it (I was standing at the far back of the bar being my usual anti-social self), but once I warmed up to it it was fun for the rest of the night. But I felt... old. I noticed all most of the women had dates with them and just looking at the guys I was like "That ain't fucking me, no way in Hell."
I didn't let it bother me until today thinking about it, along with the high maintance girls at Ryan's party, but it makes me feel more alienated than I do. I realize I can't and will never connect with anybody unless it's in person, being a fun/exciting/intriguing guy, and seeing someone on a regular basis to keep the momentum going until it can turn into something. I mean I don't know, it's like when I was younger girls my age (back then) flocked to older guys (my age now), and now I'm like why isn't that happening? Why don't girls my age and younger find me interesting? The only thing I can come up with is that the "older guys" were just like the younger guys (in other words they didn't mature or change at all over time; like I have) with just more resources and experience at their disposal. So just like everything else, at the end of the year I finally realize I'm back to square one on the ladies front and I've got no plan b or game plan anymore just like everything else. It's good that I realize this fact so that I don't continue on the way I have wondering why it's not working, but I wish I had realized it sooner. Then again it took being around people again, and different ones at that, to make it click. So I did have fun and learned a few things in the process. I'm just trying to figure out what happens next now, because I'm totally flying blind through life now: officially blind as a bat with my life and future -- not a clue anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|04:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Oh man, today has been one panic attack after another. I'm freaking.
1.) There's a x-mas party I've been invited to for Friday. I want to go, and will go, but at the same time I'm freakin' terrified. I know there will be people boozing it up (I don't drink) and whatnot and a bit wild, also the fact that I've been a hermit for so long I'm just like "PEOPLE! Ahhh!!!" on the inside. Like wicked social anxiety kicking in full force; like anticipating that I'm going to be the odd man out and somewhat alienated for it -- I'll probably be in a corner by myself for most of it.
2.) Been invited on Saturday to go with a group of people (different ones from the x-mas party) to go to a bar in Peterborough to see that jazz/prog rock band. That one has me experiencing vertigo and making me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack from anxiety. A bar, full of people, one I've never been to, in a city I've never been to, and fearing being the odd man out again on top of it. I mean don't get me wrong I want to do both these things, but I'm not 100 percent comfortable with either.
3.) Been chatting this week with a girl from an online dating site. New girl. It's been going smoothly so far. She's childfree and is just like me in that regard, and she's got the same kind of sense of humor about it too. She sent me this pic.
( Read more... )
And the backstory is she wore it for her mom last mothers day. To which I give props for. Thing is she lives in Rhode Island, so I kinda figured it would just be a e-mailing type friendship -- for just a short while until it got boring -- just for fun. But now she wants to meet come the new year. I had to bust out an ativan after reading that part: super anxiety in full force. Because if my paper work goes through like I'm praying every fricken minute of every day it does I'll have medical assistance and be getting into therapy, and hopefully into a independent living housing program, and then their jobs program. Like it'll be so much at once that I couldn't picture myself dating AT that exact time. Maybe once things settled into place, but not during the transitional process. Problem is how do you tell someone you're batshit crazy and could potentially (if it happens) be going through a MAJOR life change? I don't know how to do it, so I don't know if I should just stop replying to e-mails and think of the whole thing as just a joke and "it's the internet... whatever... it doesn't count." or not? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|07:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
sorry for the double post but I need to vent. Just had probably the dumbest argument I've ever had in my life with my brother. I started smoking again, after my break down recently -- which I didn't want to happen, but it's a little too late at the moment; what's done is done -- after a year and two months (I think) of not. My brother starts giving me shit asking me why smoke? Which from anyone else would seem like a legit question, but from him it's just to be a macho alpha male asshole trying to make himself look superior to everyone else. I say I only just started back up again like a week or so ago after not doing it for over a year: I relapsed and plan to stop after the new year, because things are just too stressful at the moment and they help keep me calm, but don't make me tired. He ignores this last part about it acting as a stimulant and instead asks me why not smoke weed instead, then asks mockingly "what? had a bad week?" I said actually yeah, and also weeds illegal and you can't buy it at a store. He scoffs at this part and asks so what if it's illegal? It's better than cigarettes. I say no, actually, they're worse for you health wise than cigarettes. Then he says and I quote: "How is weed bad for you? It comes from the ground!" I say, "Yeah! And so is Tabaco! What you think they make that in a factory from outer space?" Then he tells me I should drink instead. I say "Yeah, like that's better for you. You can't get stomach and liver problems and ulcers from drinking right?"
At that point I just walked away because he wanted to keep arguing that everything except cigarettes is good for you and doesn't cause health problem that lifting weights can't fix.
This is the college graduate of the family mind you. He's fucking brain dead and a world class asshole. Luckly my dad was standing there watching all this and informed us both that when he was our age if he and one of his brothers had bothered starting such a stupid conversation in front of his dad, our grandpa, he'd have punched them both right in the face for aruging over such stupid things with one another. The comment being directed at my brother, so he was on my side. I could only reply with the truth which was "And he'd have been in the right for it, because this IS fucking stupid."
Seriously, why couldn't my brother have just gone into the army with the other alpha male bully assholes and just shoot people or have gotten shot himself? I know that's a mean thing to say, but it's the gods honest truth. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|04:24 am] |
Yesterday was the sister's 21st birthday: I feel really goddamn old.
It was a bit excrusiating. The whole family crammed together. We went to Olive Garden. I felt trapped and wanted out the whole time. Plus the chairs were wicked uncomfortable; even my sister was complaining they were bothering her back by the end: mine was screaming at me. My sister isn't a drinker. The WHOLE time my mom kept harassing her to order a drink -- a glass a wine, a martini, a margarettia, a shot of tequila -- to the point where I thought for a second my sister was going to flip out on her -- though she did tell her to stop about 10 times, hissing through clenched teeth. I told my sister afterwards how she pulls the same kind of shit, just with different things, on me nonstop and doesn't get the point when someone tells her to cut it out; or tell her bluntly to fuck off. Holly was just shaking her head almost throughout the whole thing. It got so bad that at one point me, the sis, the asshole brother, and my dad all just glared at her in warning to knock it off. Aside from that it wasn't so bad. The food was good, and the sis and I had a laugh or two talking briefly (though she's more like our brother so they were gabbing away almost the entire time, which is the norm). But God I couldn't wait for that to be over. Waiting for x-mas to just come and go and get that out of the way next. Same deal, but add the grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins from ages 1-30 (and my cousin Jen, the 30 year old, kid who's 5 I think) to the mix. Fast foward button now please. Have I mentioned how much I hate family get togethers for any reason? I can only deal with one member at a time, not everybody at once. |
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